Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize
