If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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