my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
