i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
