so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
