I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
