I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
