My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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