sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
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Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
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i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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