I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
