i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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