you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
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Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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