I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
