My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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