So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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