just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
