pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
