His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
