Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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