I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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