Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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