you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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