I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
