he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
