he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
