3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
