Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
