The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
