Screwed.edu
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
