I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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