Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
we're chasing vodka with high fives
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
