I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
