There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
