sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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