that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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