I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
