Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
