Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Randomize
