Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
