How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
BRING THE BAGELS
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize