Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
