why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
