My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
