I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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