You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
