I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
