I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
