i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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