I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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