Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
This is the high leading the old right now
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
