I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
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I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
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He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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