just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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