im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
