Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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