have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
