I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
