Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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