We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Fuck appropriateness.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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