captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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